LG15: Zombies
by FH14
Summary: Lonelygirl15 and LG15: The Last  Warning: Complete and Utter Crack. Offensive to Humanity in General. Bray takes a stroll through a graveyard and meets someone he never expected to see again... and who desperately wants to eat his brain.
1. Chapter I

**Title:** LG15: Zombies  
**Characters/Pairings:** Lots of misc. pairings from lonelygirl15, LG15: The Resistance, and LG15: The Last. Mostly Jonas/everyone and Antonia/everyone.  
**Genre:** Humor, Parody, Complete and Utter Crack  
**Ratings/Warnings:** T (May Change Later) for being offensive to all of humanity. Major Spoilers for all three series. (And if you haven't seen the last few episodes of LG15: The Last you're sorely missing out – there be some excellent twists and turns)  
**Summary: **Bray takes a stroll through a graveyard and meets someone he never expected to see again... and who desperately wants to eat his brain. Meanwhile, in a different part of the world, a plan is set in motion that could destroy both participants in this never-ending war.

**Disclaimer:** The LG15 Franchise belongs to EQAL, though most of LG15: The Last belongs to Samantha Carr and her band of merry Aussies whom I'm too lazy to list individually.

**Notes:** I wrote this fic when I was… in an interesting state. Views expressed in this fic may not be shared with any sane member of the human race, including myself.

* * *

**LG15: Zombies**

**Chapter I**

I NEVER KNEW why I kept going back. It only served to cause me more pain. But Antonia Moore was the only girl I could ever love. I tried to love Jayde, but my suspicions that she was really a man kept me from going any farther with that relationship. No, Toni, despite her masculine name, was the only one for me.

My name is Bray Johnson, and I'm a bartender turned sidekick to a trait positive crack addict named Chasina Wilson. This morning, after Chas passed out on the side of the freeway, I took my hourly trek to Antonia's gravesite. Mitch stabbed her in order to save Chas - God knows why - and she had died due to Xavier's general failure at life.

I stared at the gravesite, and my eyes were drawn to a bag delicately placed on top of the headstone. The symbols seemed familiar to me. My sister Debbie had dabbled in the dark arts before she wandered into an Outback Steakhouse and never came out. I was pretty sure that the symbol meant both birth, and sometimes death, depending on what point of view you took.

It was then that I saw the earth begin to shake. Beads of sweat dripped onto the ground as I saw the corpse of my beloved Antonia tear her way out of the earth where she had been so carelessly discarded by that pig Xavier. I clenched by chest to quiet my beating heart as her soulless eyes locked onto mine. I knew she was gone. And it was then I felt her teeth scrape and tear at my flesh.

I reached for the machete that all Australians carry in order to keep our warrior skills sharp, and I felt a tear slide down my cheek as I plunged the rusty metal sword into my beloved. I knelt my head in shame, only to realize that she couldn't be stopped by conventional weaponry. It was then that I heard the shot ring out, and felt the weight of Antonia's form fall away and into a heap on the ground.

I looked up to see Xavier standing over me, holding a large machine gun. One that was now pointed at my own head.

I stared into the barrel of Xavier's gun, and felt for sure that I was finished. But to my complete shock, Xavier removed his weapon, which I now saw was not a machine gun, but a flame thrower.

"Nice Work, Helper Monkey" I turned and saw a hooded figure emerge from the shadows. I knew that this must be Sibylla Weave. "Now onto business."

"But first, can I-"

"No!" Sibylla quickly cut off her brother, "You've bleached your hair seventeen times already. At this point, I'm surprised it hasn't fallen out."

This seemed to hit Xavier deeply. I have never seen a grown man cry before, so I wasn't sure if it was normal for him to go over and sob hysterically while stomping what was left of my beloved Antonia into a fine green slime.

"Oh my god. You are such a baby." Sibylla sighed, and began smoking what was clearly a joint. It struch me as odd, but now that I thought about it, it made complete sense that Sibylla was a pothead. I mean, come on, she must have been high when she made her videos, right?

Xavier seemed to have calmed down, though he was now in a fetal position asking Toni's severed head to tell him that he's sexy. To my utter horror, Toni's head leaped up and began chewing at Xavier's foot. But Xavier immediately snapped to attention, and flung her head into her gravestone like a rotten pumpkin. By the time I had finished throwing up, Sibylla had finished her joint and was standing over me wearing an impatient scowl. "Now that your done, we need your help finding Chasina Wilson."

"Seriously guys? There's like, fucking zombies, and your want your blood fix?"

"It's not for us." I turned to see Xavier madly ironing his hair. "We need her trait positive blood to create a spell to stop the other zombies."

"OTHER ZOMBIES?" I felt myself go numb, but then a realization came to me like a speeding train. "Wait, don't you have Jayde?"

"Jayde is dead."

* * *

I WAS STUNNED when I learned what had happened. And by stunned, I mean that once I thought about it I realized that it made complete sense. You see, Jayde had somehow managed to drop some acid while in the cell. Once she began hallucinating, she ran around her cell screaming vulgar insults about, oddly enough, Chas, saying how she always hogged the good stuff.

Xavier stifled a laugh. "I remained at my post. I assumed that my dear sister was drugging and taking advantage of the prisoners again."

But Sibylla had been down to the cell, and she was convinced that Jayde had died from not being fed for several days and had risen as a Zombie. After dismembering, boiling, and and burning the body several times, Jayde Cooper was less than ashes.

And honestly, I didn't really care.

She had caused Toni so much pain. She threatened her, lied about her on camera, and ripped out some of her hair in her sleep. The girl died as she lived - as mean as a tiger and as dumb as a brick.

It was nightfall by the time we found Chas lying in her own vomit outside of an abandoned gas station. I slung her over my shoulder as I always did and carried her as Sibylla and Xavier led me to the safe house. I really didn't want to trust them, but they had killed Jayde, so I was willing to give them another chance.

* * *

I FELT MYSELF break through the earth and quickly noticed something was wrong - well, besides the breaking through the earth part. My name is Leigh Taylor, and I'm supposed to be dead. And pumpkins aren't supposed to move.

It took me a moment to realize that the pumpkin that was rapidly hopping towards me was the severed head of my beloved... er... friend Antonia. She was caked in blood and slime, and was mindlessly repeating the phrase "Mmmmm... Brains!" However, once she had reached me, she stopped and simply stared. I knew that it must be because I was a Zombie as well, but something felt off. For one thing, I wasn't hankering for tasty brains.

But it was mostly because I felt my heart beating.


	2. Chapter II

_**Author's Note:**__ Sorry for the transphobic bits in the last chapter. Hopefully this next one will be so offensive to the entire human race in general that it will all even out._

_I wrote the first part of this chapter back in October 2009 and I wrote the rest today in order to get it to a decent length (and reach the part of the story that I wanted to). Warnings include generally kinkiness, implied guy/guy, pseudo-necrophiliac thoughts (a.k.a. hot zombies), massive amounts of swearing, and zombies doing what zombies do best._

* * *

**Chapter II**_  
_

I CAUGHT MY breath as I rounded the corner of the old stone wall. I couldn't believe we had made it. After months of being forced to have sex with Maggie in front of Sarah, Lucy, and several pervy old men (whom at one point had suggested that Sarah join in, and now there are more open Elder positions) I was finally free. Maggie stood a few feet away, unfazed by the long distance as the fertility drugs they had given her seemed to give her a bizarre caffeine rush.

We were just down the block from Sarah's new residence in Zavalla, Texas. The land we were currently standing on was the hallowed ground of the Order's cemetery. It took me a moment to realize it, but the wall I was leaning on was actually a grave marker.

Bree's grave marker.

The stone was old and abused, having been neglected by the groundskeeper who had been outplayed by his slutty teenage daughter and now, from what I understood, drank himself silly and enjoyed flashing his genitals at traffic. The only aspect of the grave that looked remotely fresh was a small pouch sitting to its side. I didn't have time to figure out what the bag was, because at that moment a fist punched its way out of the earth.

I clung to Maggie in fear before I realized what was happening. I couldn't believe it, my beloved Bree had returned to me. I tossed Maggie aside and ignored her while she crashed into a large rock and began an endless fountain of profanities. I looked into her eyes and I knew she was mine. I didn't care that she was decomposing. Secretly, I had always had a zombie fetish, and would make Daniel dress up like a Zombie Bree when we did it. But now I had the real thing, and I could finally have eternal happiness. I didn't even care when she began tearing Maggie apart and devouring her organs. All I cared about was my beloved Bree.

Once Bree had finished with whatever her name was, she began sniffing gracefully and sensually through the grass, looking for any scraps she might have missed. Oh her movements were as majestic as a mighty gazelle. I couldn't hold back any longer.

The kiss we shared was brief, as Bree began to try and gnaw at my face, but it more than made up for the months of emotional despair, and setting for girls like Jennie and…um… Madeline? Yeah. Anyway, I knew that we could make a go of this. We only had to escape the Order.

While Bree was occupied with a nest of squirrels, I scanned the area. I immediately locked eyes with Sarah, who was standing menacingly on the other side of the grave-site, armed to the teeth with shiny and destructive weapons.

I narrowly missed the can marked "436" that was chucked at my head. Instead, it hit a girl that was walking by, and slowly began to suck her into a vortex of non-existence.

"Curse you, Jonas. I knew it was only a matter of time before you sought vengeance on me for luring Bree to the Order."

I scratched my head. "Do I know you?"

"I am your arch enemy! Julia Anderson, master of the emo freestyle rap!"

"Doesn't ring a bell."

I heard her scream of Fury, as at last, Jackie Ackerman was sucked into the nothing. Now, It was just me and Sarah.

* * *

SURELY THEY COULDN'T have been serious? _They must have been. After all, she's here. And she's like __**that**_. I let my mind wander as that bitch Maggie got torn apart by Zombie Bree – _good riddance_ – and Jonas get all hot-and-bothered that his true love return fantasy and zombie fetish were curtailing into his dream come true.

I gripped her weapon and threw. _Damn I missed_. I swore to myself as the canister just missed hitting Jonas in the face, and instead took down some chick who looked strangely familiar.

I quickly recouped and readied my flamethrower. Maggie was dead, and none of the other trait positive girls in existence had the body chemistry capable of undergoing the experimentation she had. Jonas was no longer needed.

"Sarah, you'll never get in the way of our love!" Jonas proclaimed as Zombie Bree stood behind him humping a tree and grunting a tune that sounded strangely like "Grillz".

I felt myself roll my eyes, unable to resist the urge, and pulled the trigger. I watched as the flames shot up and I heard Jonas scream, much to my delight. However, when I turned the gun off, I was greeted with a site I never expected to be.

Maggie, solid and very strong, had shielded Jonas with a gravestone she had ripped out of the ground. It took a few moments for me to realize that Maggie had become a zombie as well, though she was significantly more composed and aware than Zombie Bree was. (Bree was now ripping bark off the tree she had been humping and was eating it).

"Don't you fucking touch him" Maggie hissed, tossing the gravestone to the site.

"Oh Marmalade! I knew you would come back!" Jonas squealed, hugging her enthusiastically and wearing an expression that clearly indicated he was thinking about a Zombie Threesome.

"She can't touch you," Maggie sneered, looking down at Jonas "Because I going to rip you to pieces myself."

Jonas instantly froze, but began running as soon as Maggie broke one of his fingers. "But Melinda! I love you!"

"MY NAME IS MAGGIE! AND YOU LET ME GET TORN APART YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Maggie screamed at a volume that I wasn't aware was capable of the human vocal chords. _Well she is a Zombie now, so…_

Well, the problem was taken care of. Jonas would be dead soon enough, and the Elders could do whatever the hell they wanted with Zombie Angry and Zombie Dumb-Dumb. Me, I was going to get a orange-flavored smoothie. Today was a long day.


End file.
